HUSH - Book - Page 23
HUSH – Breaking the Silence | Victim Support Scotland
It was so, so tiring. The drain and the never-ending
feeling of seeing them every single day and still having to
behave, the resilience you have to have, nothing could
prepare you for that. When you were waking up in the morning you didn't want to go, but you thought, “I've come this
far.” It was getting towards the end, and we were so tired,
but we were nearly there. We were expecting, and that is
the sad thing, we expected to get a result at the end. I'd
never even heard of Not Proven. It never ever crossed my
mind. Getting to the end of that and not getting a verdict,
any verdict. It's not like a yes or no. It's a maybe. It leaves us
in limbo forever. We just had to get out. I was just shaking.
We shook for hours after. I was full of adrenaline. We were
stuck.
Seven Guilty and Seven not Guilty. What would have
happened if that fifteenth jury member was there? That's
the argument. That's the noise to us. That fifteenth jury
member is important, because seven and seven meant
they were split, and that fifteenth person could have
changed the result.
I was angry. Scotland having Guilty, Not Proven and Not
Guilty means there is more chance of acquittal than getting sentenced. That's where I started feeling this fight.
That's why I want the Not Proven abolished.
After the trial, as time went on, that's when I would say I
was at my lowest, because all the work had been done. I
literally had no money. I was angry towards my work for not
giving me compassionate leave. I had never been on benefits in my life, but I had to phone up. I didn't know what to do
and I had to phone up random numbers and they were just
passing me other numbers and they were all just so cold. I
phoned Citizens Advice but I was on there for five hours
before I got answered. I was looking for help but no help
was there. I didn't want to ask anybody for money. I hadn't
prepared for that. I felt just defeated. I felt like we did my
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brother wrong, because I always have this fight, but I didn't
have that then.
If I don't have a fight, what do I do? That's where it's
quite dangerous because you could feel so down and low.
The fight is what helps keep me going, and then step-bystep I learned all these coping mechanisms from my Victim
Support worker Lynne, and the help that they gave me. She
couldn't take the pain away, but she definitely did help me
to cope.
Me and my mum have this rule that we talk about my
brother for him, not for what happened to him. It has
tainted him as a person and taken away his identity in a
way, because he'll always be known for what happened.
That's sad and we try our hardest. I'll talk about my brother
in front of all my friends, but I'll never really speak about
what happened. Not that I'm shying away from it, but
Murder victims, people that have been killed, everyone's
like “Oh tell me more. Tell me what happened.” You are losing sight of my brother as a person. He wouldn't like to be
remembered like that. He should be remembered for who
he was and not what the media or social media or the
police or even a lawyer painted him out to be. You know,
they painted a perfect, terrible picture. But my brother and
other victims are not here to defend themselves and have
their voices heard.
After everything that happened, I was wanting to move
away, but then I was getting a bit more stubborn, getting
my fight back “No. Why should we change what we are?
Why should we do this? I am going to walk round that area
and I'm going to tell the story, my version.”