UCLA Journal of Radiation Oncology FALL 2023 - Flipbook - Page 32
UCLA RADIATION ONCOLOGY JOURNAL
you know that we’re in this together. ☐
there is no villian, it feels like the only person
to blame is yourself. So that's what I did. Over
and over, replaying the events in my head until
they felt shameful. And when I feel shame, my
instinct is to hide.
References
It took me a long time to stop hiding, to embrace
these stories, find humor in them, and share
them. In a confession of sorts, I remember
telling them to one of my old medical school
friends.
Turns out, he had a confession of his own.
1 Association of American Medical Colleges. Medical school
graduation questionnaire: 2012 individual school report.
Available at: https://www.etsu.edu/com/msec/documents/
graduation-questionnaire-2012.pdf. Accessed October 20,
2022.
2 Association of American Medical Colleges. Medical school
graduation questionnaire: 2013 individual school report.
Available at: https://www.etsu.edu//com/msec/documents/
graduation-questionnaire-2013.pdf. Accessed October 20,
2022.
3 Association of American Medical Colleges. Medical school
graduation questionnaire: 2021 all schools summary report.
Available at: https://www.aamc.org/media/55736/download.
Accessed October 20, 2022.
On rotation at the Veterans Administration
Medical Center, he had been directed by the
chief resident to do a digital rectal examination
on a patient with prostate cancer, so he put on
gloves and started. Something wasn’t right, and
when he removed his finger, a stream of bloody
stool poured over his glove. He retreated toward
the chief resident. He tried to take his glove
off, stretching the cuff away from his wrist, but
it was slippery and snapped back into place,
sending stool and blood flying in all directions.
He slowly looked up. The chief resident’s face
was flecked with brown and red. They both
blinked.
4 Markman JD, Soeprono TM, Combs HL, Cosgrove EM.
Medical student mistreatment: Understanding ‘public
humiliation.’ Med Eduction Online. 2019;24: 1615367.
5 Bursch B, Fried JM, Wimmers PF, et al. Relationship between
medical student perceptions of mistreatment and mistreatment
sensitivity. Med Teach. 2013;35:e998-e1002
Contributed by: Matthew J. Farrell, MD, MFA
Dr. Farrell grew up in Sacramento. He studied film and creative
writing at Stanford University and earned a Master of Fine Arts in
Creative Writing at the University of Oregon, writing a collection
of short stories for his thesis and teaching undergraduate courses
for two years. Realizing that much of his creative work explored
illness and, more specifically, oncology, he began pursuing a career
in medicine. Dr. Farrell attended medical school at Oregon Health
& Science University, where he conducted small cell lung cancer
research and led classes in narrative medicine. He stayed in Portland
for his preliminary year in internal medicine at Providence St.
Vincent Medical Center. After, he moved to LA with his wife, a fellow
physician, to join the UCLA Radiation Oncology Residency Program.
“Just go home,” the chief resident said.
Leave it to my friends to outperform me even in
shame. The conversation felt like therapy. Like a
weight being lifted.
When I inevitably make a fool of myself again,
Published with Permission from Practical Radiation
I will first try to learn from my mistakes, to
Oncology (PRO). Originally published by Practical
Radiation Oncology on January 4, 2023.
become a better doctor. But I will also try to be
generous with myself. Forgive myself. Move on.
Grow. Share. Laugh. Because even in the absence
of overt mistreatment, a career in medicine is
hard. I’ve often felt trapped at the bottom of the
ladder, as if I’m never really climbing but rather
moving sideways to the bottom of new ladders.
If you ever feel the same way, if your self-esteem
is in the toilet, if you feel alone, I guess what I
want to say is this: I’m here, waving at you from
across the field, with one of those big awkward
waves that involves my whole arm, trying to let
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