American River Review 2019 - Flipbook - Page 38
I spend a considerable amount of time looking
through the messages between Christina and myself
as I prepared to write this essay. She graduated with a
degree in Psychology at the University of Houston in
2016 and when I asked her about the incident and if
it was okay that I was writing about it she mentioned
that she still thinks about it often but taking psychology
classes has helped her understand Manny more. “The
whole thing made me a stronger person so I guess it’s
not too bad.” I want to tell her that I’m happy for her
but I don’t. Aside from this Facebook chat, we are
strangers.
I can’t say that I’m a stronger person from this. It
doesn’t feel like I am. In fact, after removing myself
from social media for a month, I logged back on and
continued doing the same things I did before I learned
of Manny Ortega’s existence. If you were to ask me
what my privacy settings are, I wouldn’t even know
where to begin. Even if I did keep my profile extremely
private, I have no way of monitoring my friends’
privacy settings. Maybe the inevitability of it all has
made me numb. Maybe I should care more.
I don’t expect to ever find closure. Whereas Nev
tracked down Angela and Christina heard Manny
speak, I only have a collection of messages relaying
second-hand information. What I feel now is similar to
what I felt that night in 2013: I am an outsider looking
in. But shouldn’t I be more? Shouldn’t I know the
truth? Those were pictures of my face, my friends, my
memories and yet, I feel so far removed from them.
On his Tumblr, Manny had a section titled Facts
About Me. Most of his facts are quirky tidbits that have
36
American River Review
nothing to do with my real life. Then there are some
that are close to accurate.
Fact About Me: I carry at least one book with me
wherever I go.
Fact About Me: Something that scares me the most is
the unknown. It makes me feel extremely uneasy. For
example, if I think about the ocean or the vastness of
outer space, my stomach ties itself into knots.
Fact About Me: In my spare time, I quite enjoy
watching terrible horror films.
Fact About Me: One of my worst habits is bitting/
pulling my bottom lip. I catch myself doing both
numerous times a day.
I’m biting my bottom lip as I write this and try to
recall if it’s something I regularly do or if reading it
as a Fact About Me planted the suggestion. Christina
said Manny didn’t know me, but when a person’s entire
existence is built on lies, can you really trust anything
they say? Manny Ortega could have been a high school
acquaintance or even a stranger that I crossed paths
with. Perhaps they were in the same room with me
once, watching me read a book or talk to a group of
friends. Perhaps after four years of cyberstalking, they
began to know me as a close friend would.
Through writing, I had hoped to discover a clue
I had missed or even uncover some bit of closure,
but I’m left with the same unsettled feeling: Manny
Ortega’s identity is unknown to me, and it always will
be. Like Manny’s, my stomach ties itself into knots.