PENGUINPOST29 - Flipbook - Page 22
CRACK THE CODE OF
Ever wondered why some conversations leave you feeling uplifted
while others fall flat? Delve into this compelling exploration of
the neuroscience behind effective communication with an extract
from Charles Duhigg’s brand-new book, Supercommunicators.
“W
ho would you call if you
were having a bad day?
If you had screwed up a deal
at work, or had gotten into an argument with
your spouse, or were feeling frustrated and
sick of it all: Who would you want to talk to?
There’s likely someone that you know who
will make you feel better, who can help you
think through a thorny question or share a
moment of heartbreak or joy.
Now, ask yourself: Are they the funniest
person in your life? (Probably not, but if you
paid close attention, you’d notice they laugh
more than most people.) Are they the most
interesting or smartest person you know?
(What’s more likely is that, even if they don’t
say anything particularly wise, you anticipate
that you will feel smarter aft er talking to
them.) Are they your most entertaining or
confident friend? Do they give the best advice?
(Most likely: Nope, nope, and nope – but when
you hang up the phone, you’ll feel calmer and
more centered and closer to the right choice.)
So what are they doing that makes you feel
so good?
This book attempts to answer that
question. Over the past two decades, a body
of research has emerged that sheds light on
why some of our conversations go so well,
while others are so miserable. These insights
can help us hear more clearly and speak more
engagingly. We know that our brains have
20
THE PENGUIN POST MARCH/APRIL 2024
These
insights
can help us
hear more
clearly and
speak more
engagingly.
Supercommunicators
is out now.
evolved to crave connection: When we ‘click’
with someone, our eyes often start to dilate
in tandem; our pulses match; we feel the same
emotions and start to complete each other’s
sentences within our heads. This is known as
neural entrainment, and it feels wonderful.
Sometimes it happens and we have no idea
why; we just feel lucky that the conversation
went so well. Other times, even when we’re
desperate to bond with someone, we fail again
and again.
For many of us, conversations can
sometimes seem bewildering, stressful,
even terrifying. ‘The single biggest problem
with communication,’ said the playwright
George Bernard Shaw, ‘is the illusion it has
taken place.’ But scientists have now unraveled
many of the secrets of how successful
conversations happen. They’ve learned that
paying attention to someone’s body, alongside
their voice, helps us hear them better. They
have determined that how we ask a question
sometimes matters more than what we ask.
We’re better off , it seems, acknowledging
social differences, rather than pretending they
don’t exist. Every discussion is influenced by
emotions, no matter how rational the topic
at hand. When starting a dialogue, it helps to
think of the discussion as a negotiation where
the prize is figuring out what everyone wants.
And, above all, the most important goal of
any conversation is to connect.”