West Kent News - Issue 12 - Flipbook - Page 29
ISSUE NO.12 SPRING 2024 | WEST KENT NEWS
COLIN-OSCOPY
At the hospital I had to sign many
forms
acknowledging
that
I
understood and totally agreed with
whatever the forms said.
By Colin Wright
Pastoral Care Team
Following medical problems, my
doctor, a gastroenterologist, made
an appointment for me to have a
colonoscopy. A few days later in his
office, he showed me a colour
diagram of the colon, a lengthy
organ that appears to go all over
the place, at one point passing
briefly through Wigan.
Then he explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I
nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking. He
gave me a prescription for a product
called Moviprep, which comes in a
box large enough to hold a
microwave oven.
I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before
my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day. All I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water but
with less flavour, then in the
evening, I took the Moviprep. You
mix two packets of powder together
in a one litre plastic jug and fill it
with lukewarm water. For those
unfamiliar with the metric system,
one litre is about 32 gallons, at
least that’s how it felt when drinking
a whole jug! (and for those with an
eagle eye you will of course know
1 Litre = 0.219969 Gallons).
Moviprep is a nuclear laxative.
There are times when you wish the
toilet had a seat belt. Once you
think you are done, you then take
the next dose. At this point, as far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food
that you have not yet eaten.
My daughter drove
hospital the next day.
me
to
the
After putting on the usual hospital
garments, a nurse named Eddie
put a little needle into a vein in my
right hand. Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down.
When everything was ready, Eddie
wheeled me into the procedure
room, where the doctor was
waiting with a nurse and an
anaesthetist.
I
was
seriously
nervous at this point. Eddie had
me roll over on my left side and
the anaesthetist began hooking
something up to the needle in my
hand.
There was music playing in the
room and I realised that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.I
remarked to Eddie that, of all the
songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.