Boisdale Life Magazine (Issue 18) - Flipbook - Page 44
I’ve never looked.
With repor ts that James Bond is bowing to political
correctness for his 25th outing, next year’s No Time to
Die, Nick Ferrari turns screenwriter to imagine how a
007 flick for ‘Generation Z’ could play out
ON A GENDER-NEUTRAL MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE
1. EXTERIOR, LUXURY HOTEL, NIGHT
Supercars idle outside a stunning hotel
in an exotic Far East location. The
impeccably clad doormen watch Bond
arrive in a Renault Twizy.
I say, do you happen to know where
the nearest charging point is for this car,
or do you have any spare AA batteries?
The charging point is by the tram
station. Just go through the underpass,
over the river to the railway lines, and
you’ll find it. It’s about an hour away.
2. EXT., BARREN ROAD, NIGHT
Bond pushes his car down the hill.
3. EXT., LUXURY HOTEL, NIGHT
Bond returns, unkempt and breathless.
He hands his hired bicycle to the
doorman, removes his bicycle clips,
and strides into reception.
4. INTERIOR, LUXURY HOTEL, NIGHT
Good evening, Sir.
Who said you could call me Sir? Kindly
respect that I’m non-binary just now
and identify as a woman.
The Russian blonde approaches Bond.
My name is Ivana. Ivana Gudthyme.
(Raising an eyebrow)
Then I have something you need to see.
(Reaching inside his jacket, he produces
a wad of paperwork)
Before we go any further, you need to
sign here, here and here, to confirm we
mutually agree to respect each other’s
space and that I can only take you to
supper or put my hand on your knee
after our contract has been notarised
and you’ve phoned your mother. Or
Priest. Also, to avoid upsetting you in
any future conversations, please
indicate whether you voted Leave or
Remain. And do you regularly recycle?
Of course, apologies Sir. Err, Madam.
Err, person? What sort of room do
Is this really necessary?
If it has a non-gendered toilet, LED
lighting, hemp bed linen, and I can
vape, it should be fine.
Absolutely. Our dying planet is the
biggest challenge I’ve faced since being
handcuffed to a nuclear device at the
US gold bullion vault by a Korean
assassin in a Sandringham hat.
5. INT., GLAMOROUS BAR, NIGHT
A scantily clad Russian blonde sits at
the bar. She watches Bond intently.
Sustainably farmed cranberry juice,
please, with raw-water ice and a
free-trade lime twist.
Of course... shaken or stirred?
Neither. I practice thought-action
fusion, Buddhist chanting, and Bikram
yoga, so my emotions are under control.
(Laying out bar snacks)
A little something to eat?
Are your nuts organic?
It certainly is... but our marvellous
Human Resources department offers
regular group therapy. It teaches us to
be non-judgmental, avoid conflict and
be supportive of those around us.
5. INT., BOND’S HOTEL ROOM, NIGHT
Bond checks the bedside lamp, behind
pictures on walls, and under the phone.
You’re looking for bugging devices?
No. Traces of nuts. Dr No Means No is
the most ruthless villain I’ve ever
known. He’d use any trick to stop me,
including abusing his carbon footprint
by launching an armed satellite into
outer space. Think of the emissions!