Gay London Life | May '24 Edition - Magazine - Page 32
Here Comes
the Groom?
Writer and actor Nathaniel J Hall shares the moment he
overcame his mixed feelings surrounding gay marriage
When my mum sat me down to ask
was updated to include same-sex
me if I was gay (yes, really) back in
couples. In the church prior to
2003, I said I was bisexual.
the ceremony, my late grandad
I mean, all through school, I’d had a
was praying by some candles. He
string of girlfriends — not so much
looked over at me and gestured for
as cover, more because the idea
me to join him.
that I could have a boy on my arm
A Christian man but one with
just wasn’t in the vocabulary of a
a liberal outlook on life, he’d never
comprehensive high school in the
displayed any homophobia and
early noughties.
loved me and my partner(s) as
I knew I was gay; the fumbles with
the Deputy Head Boy in the attic and
the recent summer fling I’d just had
equals amongst his seventeen (yes,
seventeen) grandchildren.
We sat for a moment in silence
with a man confirmed that for me. So
before he said, “You know, I was
why did I say I was bisexual?
against the idea of two men getting
I said it because all I’d ever known
married because the bible says
was a story that went something like
it’s the preserve of a man and a
boy meets girl, boy proposes to girl,
woman.” My heart sank. “But I’ve
boy and girl get married, boy and girl
watched this awful debate rage on
have kids, boy and girl buy a Vauxhall
TV and in churches and it’s all a bit,
Astra and they all live happily ever
well, un-Christian. So, I prayed, and
after (the Vauxhall Astra is optional
I’ve had a realisation. Me and your
but in my nightmare version of this
grandma have enjoyed over fifty
story it plays a big role).
years of happiness in our marriage.
I said I was bisexual because I
didn’t have a reference point for a life
lived differently from the cis-hetero
Why would I ever deny that to my
own grandson?”
I’m not ashamed to say I cried,
‘norm’ and because I came out in
and he held my hand until the emotion
an era before civil partnerships and
passed. In that moment, the great
before marriage equality.
weight of growing up in a world that
As I grew into my newfound
queer identity which had begun to
shape me into a more rebellious
said I deserved less than others
rushed away.
It’s a moment with my grandad
character than the straight-A
I’ll never forget. (There’s another
church-going student I’d been in
moment after my grandma had died
my school years, I relished in the
when he answered the door in his
freedom of a life lived in opposition
underwear and told me the reason
to the heteronormative. If I was
they had eight kids was because she
getting down on my knees, it
was a nymphomaniac, but that’s a
certainly wasn’t to propose.
story for another day).
As time moved on and the UK
And as for my ‘queer’ stance
progressed, I felt conflicted over the
on marriage? Well, my younger
introduction of civil partnerships
sister is walking down the aisle this
in 2004 and the passing of the
weekend, and if I’m being totally
Marriage (Same-Sex Couples)
honest, I do have a soft spot for a
Act in 2013. Of course, I wanted
good wedding knees-up.
LGBTQ+ people to have true
So, who knows? Maybe I’ll be
equality, but my burgeoning radical
getting down on one knee soon
queer side fought back against the
myself (I said knee, not knees).
politics of assimilation.
My eldest brother got married
shortly after the law on marriage
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nathanieljhall.co.uk
@nathanieljhall