Spring In-Brief 2019 - Flipbook - Page 11
Continued from previous page.
On the drama triangle each game-playing participant (a
minimum of two participants please) switches their
position according to the success of the game being
played…. How many times have you inadvertently
become the ‘aggressor’ (perpetrator) and someone else
the ‘victim’ in what you thought was a perfectly innocent
conversation? How does that conversation go? (this is
between a line-manager, John and their employee,
Jane)….
Recognising your own hungers and drivers and knowing
when you are trying to ‘game’ a certain outcome is really
important, although it can take years to become someone
who is honest enough with themselves to recognise a)
that they have a tendency towards game playing, and b)
that you can stop yourself from playing a game when you
feel that compulsion arise, thereby getting your needs met
entirely within your ‘adult’ ego state.
Often, the way to stop a game-playing scenario is by
JOHN: “Jane did you by any chance move a set of papers becoming the person who steps out of the game (not by
trying to out-game the gamer by playing an even harder
off my desk?” (prompt)
game – i.e. willing yourself onto the drama triangle). Hint;
JANE: “No John, and by the way I’m completely snowed
games don’t work very well at all if they are only being
under trying to stay on top of all this paperwork so if I
played by one person.
have moved it then I can’t remember because I’M SO
Rather than trying to shine a light on an individual’s
STRESSED and I have to do so much more than
behaviour and ‘game-playing’ – as this can have quite a
everyone else” (Jane goes to victim)
hard-psychological impact, throwing them straight into
JOHN: “Oh gosh Jane, I’m so sorry, that crucial board
‘victim’ – try instead to inwardly recognise that a person is
report doesn’t matter, let me help you sort through all of
not getting their needs met hence they are using a game,
this paperwork, I feel so bad for upsetting you…” (John
and then try to move them to resolve the issue in ‘adult’…
goes to rescuer … even though he has previously asked
• “I’m not sure I’m giving you quite what you want
Jane several times to sort out the paperwork)
here, what is it that you are seeking?”
JANE: “Oh, and by the way John! I really hate the way
• “I feel like you would like a different outcome – tell
you file things, you are a disaster!, it’s been annoying me
me what it is you need from me/this
for months – I threw all of your stuff in the bin last week
conversation”?
and if your report was on the pile then tough! (Jane goes
• “So what you want is XXXX, ok we need to
to persecutor)
understand this from a few angles”
JOHN: “Gee, thanks Jane, I guess I will just have to stay • “Did you intend to say XXXX, when you sent that
email? I wonder if we could work on a different
up late and miss my child’s birthday to write the report
way of conveying the message?”
again. Sigh” (John moves to victim).
• “I’m afraid that doing things in that way has a
And so on. Whole conversations, whole transactions and
negative impact on others, can we talk about how
whole relationships can be based upon moving around on
to do things differently to avoid the same thing
the drama triangle. Can you imagine how many games
from happening again?”
are played (with varying degrees of severity) in
organisations which employ 4,000 members of staff in
All of the above prompts, are of course, designed to try to
multitudes of teams. The potential for toxic game-play is
snap someone out of whatever ego state they are in and
dizzying, especially when some of the game players are
to support them to process things in a more rational way.
leaders who have significant behavioural influence over
The most important thing within this transaction is that
others.
you stay off the drama triangle, stay in your own adult ego
state and work hard to stay kind and stay amenable to a
Breaking free of the game
Ever met someone who spends most of their time in their better outcome. This is simply the best way to dampen
down the impact of games.
adult ego state? When you ask them the time – they tell
you the time? They tell you how they think and feel in a
Ultimately, it may only be through hard work and attrition
calm, considered manner. Where problems arise, they
that people who use games regularly eventually decide
address them rationally with you first (not the entire
that staying in ‘adult’ is the better option for them,
canteen). When you talk to them you don’t feel like you
particularly where they see this successful transactional
are engaging in thermonuclear war. It is straight up and
style modelled in others.
down. These people just seem able to transcend the
game, they don’t do unconscious tactics and importantly, We can always work on the effectiveness of our own style
as well as the impact of other people’s transactional
they aren’t particularly drawn in and affected by people
styles on us. Imagine the potential productivity and
who do play games. How do they do this? Well the first
thing is that in many senses, in many interactions, game efficiency gains in a ‘game-free’ NHS.
playing and placement on the drama triangle is a race to
Credit to Eric Berne and the Institute of Transactional
become the victim, the injured party, the one who can
Analysis.
claim moral impunity. If you have no desire to be a victim,
Kate Jury, Partner, Niche
and in fact see any such pursuits as a senseless waste of
time, then that is a great start.
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