The Ethanol Papers - Paperturn manuscript - Flipbook - Page 113
BREAKING NEWS: No American Servicemen Die
Defending Ethanol... Again
Updated August 1, 2018
AUTO CENTRAL – The Auto Channel was able to confirm this morning that no
American military personnel have died or been wounded defending the production, distribution, or sale of ethanol in America. And while we're still awaiting
confirmation that no hostages have been taken at any ethanol plants throughout
the world, TACH's management is confident that once reports are finalized that
it will be confirmed.
Counting today, it appears, unofficially at least, that this is the 16,305th consecutive day since the October 1973 oil crisis that no hostages have been abducted
by any militant group from any ethanol plant, no journalists have been beheaded, and no one has been injured as a result of a car bombing or sniper
attack. In May 2003, there had been a report that Mary Bruener, a sales clerk
at an Iowa-based ethanol plant was taken hostage, but it turned out it was just
her friends who were taking her to the local Applebee's for a birthday celebration.