2019 flip book website - Page 180

Jewish Schtick
Three friends from the local
congregation were asked,
'When you're in your casket,
and friends and congregation
members are mourning over
you, what would you like them
to say?'
Jacob said: ' I would like them to say I
was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual
leader, and a great family man.'
Morris commented: 'I would like them to
say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of G-d who made a huge difference in
people's lives.'
Sam said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get
close enough to talk to G-d. Looking up,
he asks the Lord... 'G-d, what
does a million years mean
to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a
million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
She then went through the checkout, and
as she was on her way out of the store, the
man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” Moshe
says. “I’m a complete failure. I was late
to a meeting and my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my
car had been stolen and I don’t have any
BROWARD 2019 159-178 .indd 178
She finally overtook him
at the checkout, and she
turned to him and said,
“I hope I haven’t made you
feel ill at ease; it’s just
that you look so much like my late son.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out
‘Good bye, Mom’ as I leave the store, it
would make me feel so happy.”
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his
drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next
to him, grabs his drink
and gulps it down in one
swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha
going to do about it?” Moshe
burst into tears.
A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he
stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept
staring at him.
He answered, “That’s okay.”
Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor,
listed as one of the characteristics of Jewish humor revenge over the
oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance. This is such a story:
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t
think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a
man crying. What’s your problem?”
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I
took home. I found my wife in bed with
the postman and then my dog bit me. So
I came to this bar to work up the courage
to put an end to it all. I buy a drink;
drop a capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you show up
and drink the whole thing! But enough
about me, how’s your day going?
The little old lady waved and smiled back
at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little
sunshine into someone’s day, he went to
pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $221.85,” said the clerk..
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items.”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother
said you’d be paying for her things, too.”
Moral of the story: Don’t trust Little Old Ladies!!!
John was on his deathbed and gasped
pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,’
he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want
you to marry George.’
‘But I thought you hated George,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’
1/7/19 12:10 PM

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